INTERNAL MEMO: PERFORMANCE REVIEW (ET CETERA) To: Household Stakeholders From: Et cetera, Head of Comfort & Visual Merchandising Re: Allegations of “being too well-fed” and “not doing my job”

Following recent complaints, I would like to clarify the following:

1. Feeding arrangements:

   
   

   My current “on-tap” model is industry standard for premium talent. I am now hearing proposals to move me onto a strict 5 o’clock feeding schedule “like Shaggy Dog,” on the apparent basis that if I were slightly less comfortable, I would be more inclined to “cull” the household mouse situation. I would like to state for the record that I am a supermodel, not a pest-control contractor working for kibble commissions.

2. Household contributions:

   
   

   I provide:

• ambience

• emotional support (by existing near you)

• quality control (blanket inspections)

• pest management (by thinking about it sometimes)

3. Noise concerns:

   
   

   The flatmate screaming is disrupting core business operations (sleep). If you see a mouse, please submit the sighting in writing, and allow 3–5 working days for me to acknowledge it with a slow blink.

Thank you for your cooperation,

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/fd0edd_2318d4919d524c779ea31fcdcf50a5d3/360p/mp4/file.mp4

To: Household Stakeholders

From: Et cetera, Head of Comfort & Visual Merchandising

Re: Allegations of “being too well-fed” and “not doing my job”